


Finding Value

by BananaLoaf



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dean Being an Idiot, Fluff, M/M, Sad Castiel, Sam Is So Done, Sam and Cas friendship, Season/Series 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 22:10:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8030686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BananaLoaf/pseuds/BananaLoaf
Summary: Sometimes leaving Cas to his thoughts is not a good idea. Especially when Dean is unhappy, and Castiel's first instinct is to look for the cause within himself.
 
"When he finally focused on the hunter he saw a look of horror on his face. Cas smiled reassuringly.
"It's ok, Sam. I'll tell Dean I worked it out for myself.""





	Finding Value

**Author's Note:**

> Don't panic! If you are waiting for updates for the other pieces I'm writing they are coming, I promise! I just was feeling a bit melancholy yesterday (clearly!) and this little plot kept bugging me until I wrote it.
> 
> Please let me know what you think!
> 
> It's pretty angsty, so prepare yourself please!
> 
> Bxx

It had been two hours since the door had slammed, since the rumble of the Impala's engine had echoed in his ears as it pulled away from the bunker, taking a seemingly very unhappy Dean with it.

 

Castiel had refrained from finding and asking Sam what had prompted this sudden departure, and Mary wasn't here to ask either. Apparently she was sick of wearing whatever was lying around the bunker, and was spending a third day scoping out malls to find attire that she wanted to purchase. She had left earlier that morning, in the car she and Dean had arrived back at the bunker in a few weeks ago.

 

Instead, Cas had attempted to fill his time, trying not to look as if he was waiting for Dean to return, and trying very hard not to think about what might have made the hunter leave, or where he might have gone. He had tried watching Netflix in his room, which is what he had been doing when Dean left, but he found his mind wandering. He had stripped the sheets from his bed and taken them to the laundry room, but once they were being washed that distraction was gone too. Next, he headed to the archives and started sorting through a new shelf of books. It was working a little better, but he was still distracted.

 

The worst of it was that he didn't know  _why_ it was bothering him so much. It wasn't as if Dean hadn't gone out without him before, and it certainly wasn't uncommon for Dean to lose his temper and storm out of the room, or the motel, or the bunker, or even the car. Nothing about this was new. But it was bugging the hell out of the angel.

 

It was as he pulled the heaviest and dirtiest tome from the high shelf that he realised what was wrong. Sam. Usually, when Dean vanished in a whirl of temper, Sam would be at Cas' side within a few minutes. Either to explain with a sigh how he had upset his brother, or to ask Cas what he had done to set Dean off. This time, Sam had stayed away. He hadn't even passed by the library in the last two hours. and for Sam that was extremely unusual.

 

Castiel sat heavily in his seat, the weighty book slamming onto the table, as he realised what this meant. It was him.

 

He had been the cause of, or the subject of, the muffled argument he had heard between the brothers in the kitchen when he had retreated to his room after lunch. If Sam was avoiding him, it wasn't good. Everything that had been bothering him over the last year, every dark thought that had run through his head, was suddenly back with full force. What if Dean wanted him gone? What if they both wanted him gone and they had been arguing about how to tell him? Suddenly, he felt a very human lump in his throat as he considered being the root of such tension between the brothers. Between the men he considered to be his own brothers; his best friends. Well, one brother and one man that he tried not to think about his feelings for.

 

He had been trying so hard. Ever since God and Amara had disappeared 'in a blaze of Oprah touchy-feelingness' as Dean had put it, Castiel had been trying so hard to earn his place in the bunker. Admittedly, he had screwed up with losing Sam immediately after Dean's supposed death, but he had apologised to Sam, over and over, and had been assured that he wasn't to blame; after all he could do nothing about the sigil that had sent him to the furthest reaches of Alaska, and had been instrumental in helping retrieve the hunter from England. Even Mary was getting used to his presence, and had even started teaching him to cook, and had taken to sharing books with him, or joining him to introduce him to a movie she remembered loving. Wait; maybe it was Mary who wanted him to leave. Maybe trying with him was getting too much.

 

Dean had been more or less his usual self. He had been pissed that Sam was missing, of course. but he had seemed so pleased to see Castiel that the angel hadn't thought that he was hated for his failing. Cas still carried the memory of that hug with him; the arms tightly wrapped round his torso almost before he stepped down off the last stair into the bunker, the break in Dean's voice as he'd buried his face into Cas' neck that made the angel suspect that his eyes weren't the only ones that threatened to spill tears.

 

He had accompanied the brothers on hunts, had done extra research while they slept. he'd healed a couple of broken bones and plenty of cuts and concussions, and had helped them take out several nests of vampires, two witches and a wendigo in the last month. He had done everything in his power to be useful, to be what he had failed to be even in the drastic step of taking Lucifer into his body. He had thought that he was doing well.

 

Evidently, he was wrong.

 

The thought hit him like a sledgehammer and he flinched. Now he didn't know what to do. Did he find Sam and make him speak to him? But that seemed unfair to force the younger Winchester to have to break the news if he wasn't supposed to. Did he just pack a bag and go? He didn't have anywhere  _to_  go, but he was an angel again. If he kept moving around long enough he'd find something to hunt, something to do to make like easier for the Winchesters. Maybe he could be more useful away from them.

 

But if he disappeared without a word he knew Dean would be pissed. Could he sit here in the bunker and wait for the inevitable, though? Could he really just go on with his day and wait for the order to leave to come his way?

 

"Hey, Cas?"

 

The angel jumped at the sound of the soft voice and turned to look at the tall hunter who was leaning in the doorway, trying to look nonchalant in his stance. By the stricken look that crossed Sam's face and the way he suddenly stood straight and tensed up, Castiel realised that the agony of his thoughts must be clear on his face. He quickly schooled his features into an emotionless mask.

 

"Yes, Sam?" Maybe Sam was the one who was to ask him to leave, and had to do it before Dean came home.

 

"What's wrong?" Apparently his mask wasn't fooling anyone anymore.

 

"That's not what you were going to ask me."

 

"No, I was going to ask you if you wanted to watch a movie after dinner, but I think that's less important, don't you?"

 

Sam was suddenly sitting at the table across from Cas, his eyes wide and concerned.

 

"Cas? Come on, man. Talk to me. You look upset."

 

Castiel was confused. He knew Sam to be a good man, one of the best of men, and yet he could be so cruel. He would never have thought that Sam of all people would make this harder than it was already going to be.

 

"Please don't, Sam," he said softly, his eyes on the still unopened book in front of him.

 

"Don't what?"

 

Cas didn't move.

 

"Come on, Cas. Talk to me."

 

"Don't pretend, Sam."

 

"Pretend what? Will you look at me, please?"

 

Castiel lifted his head and attempted to smile at Sam. He was fairly sure that the outcome of his attempt wasn't successful. "It's ok, Sam. I know."

 

"What do you know? I have no idea what you're talking about," Sam said, his hands splayed wide in a gesture of apparent confusion. "What am I pretending, and what do you know?"

 

"You're pretending everything is fine. I know it isn't. I know what I've done, Sam. I know I haven't made up for any of it, and I know I have to leave. Please don't talk to me about watching movies, like things will carry on as normal. It's...difficult."

 

Castiel had found himself unable to look at Sam during his speech, and when he finally focused on the hunter he saw a look of horror on his face. Cas smiled reassuringly.

 

"It's ok, Sam. I'll tell Dean I worked it out for myself."

 

"Cas...what the hell are you talking about?" Sam whispered. He sounded sad.

 

The lump was back in the angel's throat, and he could feel his tear ducts filling up. He didn't seem to be able to stop the human aspects of his behaviour anymore. He jumped a little when Sam reached a long arm across the table and squeezed his hand.

 

"Talk to me, Cas."

 

"I know...I know why Dean left."

 

"What?" Sam flushed a little.

 

"I heard you arguing, although I couldn't hear what it was about. But when he left, you never came to tell me what had upset him. You usually do, Sam, so I realised you were avoiding me. I realised, therefore, that I was the reason you had argued, and the reason Dean had left."

 

"Cas..."

 

"No, Sam. I know it was me, and I have been aware of my many failings Sam. The last request Dean made of me I failed in, almost instantly. I know that I am no longer useful, that even Lucifer was not enough, that I am a burden. And so I must leave. I know that you argued about who must tell me to go, but I won't make either of you do that, Sam. I will leave, on my own accord, and neither of you have to feel guilty."

 

Moving as if to stand, Castiel froze when a strong squeeze of the hand that Sam still rested on top of his own held him in his place.

  
"Cas, Cas is that really what you think?" There was a wobble in Sam's voice that made Castiel's head tilt to the side slightly. "Shit, Cas, of course you can't leave. You're family!"

 

The angel blinked at the hunter.

 

"I know your experience of family has been different, Cas. I know you've been abandoned by Heaven, but I thought, we thought, that you considered us as your family. Has Dean not spoken to you about this?"

 

Another blink, but with a slight nod this time. He had heard the word family from the WInchesters, but it didn't follow that they necessarily meant it. Sometimes it was just a good was of getting him to help. He remembers the feeling of Dean using a different word - brother. He had recognised that for what it was. A measure of comfort in Dean's last hours. Except that it had broken his already cracked heart.

 

"Shit, " Sam muttered, almost to himself. "I told Dean he needed to talk to you about this shit a year ago."

 

Suddenly, Cas realised that Sam was telling the truth. There had been no argument about who had to get him to leave. But he was still right about the fact he had to go.

 

"Your argument was about me, Sam. Wasn't it?"

 

It was Sam's turn to blink stupidly.

 

"Then I still have to go, Sam. I can't do that. I cannot be the thing that comes between the two of you."

 

"Christ, you're just as stubborn as he is! Cas, if you know we don't want you to go, then why the hell would you think you would come between us?"

 

Castiel looked at his friend for a long moment. Sam's eyes were wide and pleading. He still had a hand clutched over the angel's and he looked like this conversation was upsetting him. Cas was still contemplating what to say when Sam suddenly sat forward.

 

"What were you saying about Lucifer before? Did you say something about being a burden?"

 

A bolt of anger shot through the angel and he snatched his hand away, leaving Sam gaping at him in surprise. He did not want to talk about this. Not now.

 

"I am useless, Sam!" he hissed. "I make everything worse, and you know that I do!"

 

"Cas, that's not true!" Sam sounded horrified.

 

"It  _is_  true!" Cas was on his feet and his voice was rising. "Everything I try to do, Sam. Every time I try to help I just... I just fuck it all up!" The profanity felt good, and it seemed to stop the hunter in his tracks as he went to speak. "The last thing I did to help unleashed  _Lucifer_  back into the world! I may have my powers back, I may be able to hunt and heal others, but how long until I make a mess of it all again?"

 

"Come on, man, please. You have to stop this."

 

"No, Sam. I have to leave. I can be more use to you out there, alone, than I have been to you here. I can help without putting you in danger."

 

He turned to walk out the room, but was grabbed by the shoulders and turned around to face what appeared to be a pissed off Sam.

 

"Do you really think that Dean is just going to let you leave?"

 

Castiel deflated slightly in confusion. "What? Of course he will."

 

Sam snorted. "Seriously? You think he won't care if you just disappear on him again?"

 

"I don't understand your disbelief. He's never stopped me leaving before. In fact, he has actively encouraged in previously."

 

Sam cringed. "You know why..."

 

"Yes. I know why he told me to leave before. That does not mean that it didn't hurt, Sam. That I did not feel unwanted, and uncared for. That I wasn't scared, and lonely. And experiencing the extent of these emotions for the first time as a human. I know why, Sam. But I never knew why I was abandoned completely."

 

He couldn't seem to stop himself speaking, and his eyes widened as he realised that he had just spilled long-held thoughts to Sam that he had sworn to himself never to say.

 

"I'm sorry, I didn't..."

 

"What the fuck are you apologising for?" Sam shook him slightly. "Don't you ever apologise for times we've treated you badly, do you understand?"

 

"Yes." Castiel looked at the glassy eyes of his friend and found himself wishing that it was a different Winchester that was saying these things to him. Abruptly, as his own eyes started to well up again, he was pulled into a crushing hug.

 

"Do you trust me, Cas?"

 

"Yes," he answered, his words muffled against Sam's shoulder. He realised that his own arms had lifted to meet around the hunter's back.

 

"Then please, don't do anything until Dean comes back?"

 

"Sam..." he tried to push his way out of the hug, but Sam held him tightly.

 

"I mean it, Cas. We did argue about you, you're right, but I promise you, it's not what you think, ok? I need you to wait and listen to Dean. Let him talk to you, and let him explain. Ok?"

 

The thought of going through all of this again was terrifying, but Cas realised that he at least owed this much to the brothers and found himself nodding.

 

"Good," Sam pushed Castiel back to arms length and gave him a shaky smile. "Can you help me with dinner? I wanted to make something for Mary, an they should both be back soon."

 

Recognising Sam's need to keep him close, and make sure he didn't disappear on him, he acquiesced and soon found himself peeling a variety of vegetables in the kitchen. Sam kept up a steady stream of chatter about light topics, and gradually Castiel allowed himself to join in. Even if it was to enjoy the man's company for the last time.

 

After half an hour or so Mary arrived back, armed with bags of clothes and a bright smile. She dumped her bags on the kitchen table and hugged both of the men before joining in their chat, which had of course turned to what they would be watching after Sam's casserole had been consumed.

 

"Give me a sec, will you guys?" Sam excused himself, but Castiel did not miss the look he shot to his mother before he left. Mary started showing off the clothing she had purchased, but Cas could still hear Sam's voice hissing into what he presumed was his phone.

 

_"Dammit, Dean, answer your goddamn phone! You need to get your ass home, right now! I can't believe you ran off like this, just because I told you that I know. You need to get back here, Cas is...well, he's not good, alright? He was going to_ leave _, Dean. Properly leave. Because he thinks we don't want him. You and I both know the truth of that, so get your head out of your ass and come and fix your angel! And so help me, Dean, if you are sitting on your ass getting drunk and hanging over some skanky bitch I will never forgive you for doing this."_

 

In the kitchen, Mary had stopped talking and was looking at Castiel sadly. Evidently she had head Sam's one-sided conversation too. He just stared back at her, unwilling to enter into another conversation about it, and having no idea where to start with understanding Sam's message to Dean. She looked at him for a moment more, then gave a slight nod, as if making up her mind about something, and went back to showing him her new clothes.

 

Dean didn't show up for dinner. He didn't show up for the movie, either, and Castiel watched quietly as Sam got more and more irate the longer his brother was missing. Several times he excused himself for the bathroom or to get drinks or snacks, and every time Cas could distantly hear the hissing of his voice as he left another message on Dean's phone.

 

There was no point. It was perfectly clear to Castiel what had happened. Sam had been right in his earlier assumption, and Dean was sitting in a bar somewhere, making every preparation to spend the night in some motel with whatever girl he decided he wanted. It had been a long time since he had done so.

 

Cas didn't think he could stand it.

 

When Sam came back after his seventh message, the angel stood abruptly and said he was going to take some of the translation books to his room and do some work. The movie still wasn't finished, but neither of his companions questioned his announcement.

 

"Just promise me, Cas. Promise you won't leave until you've spoken to him, alright?"

 

Castiel sighed. "I'll talk to him, Sam."

 

He excused himself and headed to his room, making a beeline for the heavy book he had meant to start work on some hours ago. Maybe it would be enough to stop him thinking about what Dean was doing elsewhere. He doubted it, though.

 

Something made him stir in the darkness. As he opened his eyes he realised with a start that he must have fallen asleep. He had found recently that he could sleep when he chose to, but it was not a necessity. He had never thought for a moment that he would sleep tonight, with the emotions that were fighting for dominance in him. Several hours must have passed. And Dean had clearly not been in to see him.

 

With a sigh, Castiel dragged himself off of the bed, pushing aside the papers that were strewn over him, and shuffled out into the hall. He didn’t bother turning on any lights, knowing exactly where he was all the time. He had no real reason to be wandering, but still he dragged himself through the bunker. He was going to miss it.

 

He found himself in the space they used as their living room, and sat down on the couch he had vacated earlier in his hurry to be alone. He slouched down into the cushions then curled onto his side, lying down in this space he had come to love. The space he had shared with all three of the Winchesters in his life, and where he has sat with Dean on so many occasions, pressed into his side as the hunter had made him watch a load of what he called the ‘essential’ movies.

 

It was the space where, months ago, he had realised that the feelings he felt for Dean could quite easily be explained; love.

 

Castiel closed his eyes and let himself relive the memories; holding onto them tightly while he could. He was unaware of time passing until he heard the shuffle of feet, and the murmur of voices. His eyes shot open to dim daylight when he realised that the voice replying to Sam was not Mary, but Dean.

 

“Where the fuck have you been?”

 

“What the hell, Sammy? Get off me!”

 

“Dean! Seriously, where the fuck did you go? I cannot believe you, man!”

 

“Get off me, Sam, I’m warning you.”

 

“You’re an asshole, Dean, you know that?”

 

“What the hell are you complaining about now?”

 

“Did you bother to check your messages at all?”

 

There was a pause, then Dean answered much more quietly.

 

“I turned my phone off.”

 

“You – seriously? You storm out of here like a fucking two-year-old, then turn your phone off?”

 

“Yeah, Sam. I’m a big boy, remember? If I want to turn my phone off, then I’ll turn it the fuck off.”

 

“If you were a big boy then you wouldn’t have left in the first place; you would have spoken to Cas like a goddamn adult and I wouldn’t have been left to deal with…” Sam’s voice trailed off and Castiel cringed. He hadn’t meant to divulge so much of his emotion to Sam.

 

“Dealt with what? Sam?” Dean’s voice was sharp.

 

Sam sighed. “Just listen to your fucking messages. The first one should be enough.”

Cas heard the clinking of glasses and realised they were in the kitchen, then came the movement of feet and he quickly recognised the tread as Sam’s, a couple of seconds before he realised with a panic that Sam was heading in his direction. Before he came in the room, though, Dean’s feet could be heard catching up and the two brothers came to a stop in the hallway outside.

 

“Sam! Sammy, wait,” Dean’s voice was panicky.

 

“What, Dean?”

 

“You know fucking what! Cas…is he…”

 

“Is he _what_ , Dean? Ok? No, he isn’t. Is he here? Yes, but only because I made him promise to stay and speak to you. And it almost broke him to agree. Is he blaming himself for every bad thing that has happened since he’s known us? Absolutely. Is he feeling useless and unwanted, and used and unloved? Without a doubt. Is he heartbroken? I think he’s on the verge of it, yes.”

 

“Sammy,” it came out as a wrecked whisper. “What happened?”

 

Another sigh. “He heard us arguing, and he heard you storming out of here. But you know what usually happens when you decide to throw a teenage tantrum? I talk to him. I tell him what happened, so that he knows it isn’t his fault. Did you know he always looks like a kicked puppy when you leave and he thinks he’s to blame? I always tell him exactly what set you off, because I can’t stand to see him feeling like that, after everything he’s done for us. And this time? This time I couldn’t tell him a fucking thing.”

 

“I…I don’t understand, Sammy.”

 

“We fucked up, Dean. We fucked him up. Did you ask him why he said yes to Lucifer, or did you just avoid the topic? He said yes to him so that he would be useful, to us.”

 

“Oh, Christ. I didn’t. I didn’t even ask him.”

 

“None of us did, Dean. I talked to mom last night, about what he said to me yesterday. It made me realise how we’ve treated him over the years. You and I know we’re loved, Dean. We _know_ , and I doubt anyone has ever told him the same thing.”

 

Castiel could feel the tears on his cheeks as they rolled down his face and into the cushions below him. It was really something to hear your emotions discussed between the two people you love most in the world. He held an unnecessary breath as he waited for Dean’s response, pushing aside the guilt he felt for eavesdropping.

 

Sam continued quietly. “He assumed that we had argued about who had to tell him to go, and even when I convinced him we didn’t want it he still decided he had to, because he spent a good bit of time thinking about all the mistakes he had made, and how much better off we’d be without him.”

 

“Where is he?” Dean sounded odd, and Cas couldn’t work out why.

 

“In his room,” Sam answered. Cas heard footsteps before Sam called out. “Wait, Dean.”

 

“What? I need to speak to Cas!”

 

“Where were you?”

 

“What the fuck, Sam?”

 

“Just answer the question! Where were you? Why didn’t you come home?”

 

“What does it matter where-?

 

“Dean! Where? Were you at a motel with some girl you picked up in a bar?”

 

“Why the fuck does that matter to you?”

 

“Because it matters to Cas!”

 

Dean said nothing, but Castiel could imagine the look on his face.

 

“He feels the same way as you do, you dumb shit! That’s what I was trying to tell you!”

 

Suddenly Dean’s feet were hurrying away down the corridor. Castiel turned his head as Sam came in the room, running his fingers through his hair in what looked like exasperation. On spying the angel on the couch, Sam came to an abrupt halt, his face reddening as he realised that Cas must have heard the whole of his conversation with his brother. Neither of them had a chance to say anything before the sound of feet came pounding back down the corridor.

 

“Sam! He’s not there, the sonuvabitch has fucking gone, Sam. What am I gonna-?”

 

Dean skidded to a halt as he ran into the room. Cas, who had used the seconds before his arrival to wipe his face clean of tears, pulled himself up to sit properly, while Sam just backed out of the room as if he’d never been there.

 

“Cas,” Dean breathed.

 

“Hello, Dean.”

 

A chuckle escaped from the hunter’s throat. “So, I uh, I guess you heard all of that?”

 

“Most of it was about me, Dean.” Cas was surprised at the smooth calmness of his voice. How the hell was he managing this? Everything in him was screaming to retreat before he got into an uncomfortable conversation with this man who could be his whole universe if Cas was allowed to think that way.

 

“That’s true,” Dean nodded, then made his way over to sit next to Castiel.

 

“I’m sorry. I never meant to…”

 

Astonished green eyes pinned the angel down and made him trail off before finishing his sentence. “What the hell are you apologising for?”

 

“I shouldn’t have said all of those things,” Cas looked down at his hands, which he realised were wringing together. He froze as Dean’s hand slid into his vision and rested gently on top, bringing his anxious movement to an end.

 

“Yes, you should have. You have every right to tell us how you feel, and every right to point out to us when we are acting like dicks. Which, evidently, is most of the time.”

 

“Dean…”

 

“No, Cas. You were right, from what I understand of it. And I’m so sorry.”

 

The tears in Dean’s eyes took Castiel by surprise when he looked up at them.

 

“I’m so sorry that you never knew, that you never understood.”

 

“Understood what?”

 

Dean quirked a half-smile at him, and shook his head. “Sam said you, uh, you feel the same way as me.”

 

“I don’t understand, Dean,” he cocked his head to the side, confused by the warmth that suddenly flooded the hunter’s face when he did.

 

“Christ, you’re really going to make me say it, aren’t you?”

  
Cas just continued to gaze at him, which resulted in another chuckle.

 

“So yesterday, when I left?” Cas nodded and Dean noticeably swallowed before he continued, eyes looking away from Cas, but his hand still resting on the angel’s. “Well me and Sammy, we were talking about you, and talking about life and shit, I dunno, just the future and things, you know? And Sam said that I should talk to you about the future, while nothing much was happening. About, um, our future, and I just panicked, I guess. I acted like I didn’t know what he was talking about and I flipped my lid, and ran.”

 

Confusion, was Castiel’s main emotion at this point, but there was something else trying to push through. “Dean? Will you look at me please?” He needed to see his face to try and work out what he was trying to say. The emotion in those green eyes wasn’t one that he recognised.

 

“Please tell me you get it, Cas.”

 

He shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

 

“No, Cas, don’t be sorry, just…” Dean sighed, then glanced down at their hands. He began to slowly work his fingers in between Cas’ until they were linked firmly together. Castiel watched the progress with widening eyes. “Just tell me, that Sammy was right?”

 

Castiel looked back up at Dean and saw the hopeful smile on his beautiful face. “Right about what?”

 

Dean laughed and shook his head. “Oh fuck it,” he said, then lifted his free hand to the angel’s face, stroking down his jaw once before gripping the other man’s chin and pulling their faces together. Cas’ eyes fell shut just before Dean’s lips met his and a shiver wracked through his whole body.

 

It began as just a press of lips on lips, but Cas was unable to keep his hands clasped primly under Dean’s, and soon realised that one of them had pulled free and was tangled in the hair at the back of Dean’s head. He felt Dean grin against his mouth before pressing his tongue gently to Cas’ bottom lip, and Cas opened up eagerly as Dean pushed in closer and soon the kiss was deep and their tongues were battling beautifully.

 

Dean groaned as he pulled away, finally, both of them breathing heavily as he started planting small kissed along the angel’s jawline to his ear.

 

“Tell me, Cas. Please. Was he right?”

 

Cas couldn’t speak. He was trying to compute what was finally happening, and trying to focus on the sensations that Dean was creating with his kisses. Suddenly they stopped, and Castiel’s face was being held gently in Dean’s hands, their foreheads resting together.

 

“I’m sorry I made you feel unwanted, Cas. I’m so sorry I waited; that you never knew. I wanted to say something for so long, angel, I promise you I did. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t understand why I felt this way, and it took me a long time to accept the truth about myself. I was so busy worrying about how I was feeling that I never even thought about what you would think, all those times I lost my temper and took it out on you.” Dean paused and pressed another kiss to Cas’ surprised lips. “I need you to know, though.”

 

A soft kiss this time.

 

“I love you, Cas.”

 

Both of them were surprised by the growl that Cas let loose and by the way he threw himself into Dean’s arms. Dean laughed as he caught the angel and the two of them fell back to lie across the couch, Cas more or less plastered to Dean’s chest as he attacked his mouth in a kiss which was very quickly matched by the recipient. Cas held back a moan as Dean’s hands came to rest on the bare skin of his back, having snuck their way under the borrowed Metallica t-shirt he had taken to wearing around the bunker. Arms sliding around Dean’s neck, Cas hitched himself up higher to that his head was slightly above Dean’s, giving him control of the kiss. Both men gasped as Cas’ movements shifted certain interested parts of their bodies and caused them to brush against each other, easily noticeable through the materials of Dean’s worn jeans and the old sweatpants that Castiel was wearing.

 

“Dean,” Cas whispered. Dean ignored his attempts to speak and pulled him back into a kiss. He let him, for several moments, before pulling away once again. “Dean.”

 

He pushed himself up onto one arm, out of Dean’s reach but still with half their bodies pressed together. He chuckled at the dazed look on the hunter’s face.

 

“I love you too, Dean.”

 

A slow grin spread across the handsome face below him, and a matching one took over his own face as he watched. He let his gaze travel over Dean’s features, admiring the curve of his jaw, his lips, the pattern of his freckles, before letting his eyes rest once more on the pair that were staring at him with a look of what he now recognised was absolute adoration. He leaned back down and brushed his lips across his hunter’s. “So much. For so long,” he whispered.

 

Dean’s head lifted to push their lips together more firmly, and Cas let his weight drop back down onto him. The hands that had been brushing up and down his back this whole time were suddenly more insistent, and were trying to push up the t-shirt with them.

 

“Mmph, too many clothes, Cas,” Dean murmured into his lips. “Off!”

 

“Dean, we’re in rather a public part of the bunker.”

 

“Don’t care.”

 

“Well, we do.”

 

They froze, breaking apart and turning their heads as one to see both Mary and Sam standing with matching smirks in the doorway. Cas began to scramble up off of Dean, but was surprised when the man’s hands held him firmly down. He turned to look at him and was even more surprised that he didn’t look embarrassed at all. He felt that lump back in his throat when one of Dean’s thumbs began to stroke back and forth on his back.

 

“You might have to get used to it, Sammy.”

 

Cas let out an undignified snort and lay back down to hide his face in Dean’s neck. He felt Dean grin and then a kiss pressed to the side of his head.

 

“You’re, um, taking this new development rather well,” Sam said, sounding rather proud, Cas thought.

 

“I had some time to think about it, didn’t I? Now leave us alone, and stop perving, Sammy!”

 

“Jerk.”

 

“Bitch.”

 

“I will never understand what you two turned into,” came Mary’s voice, full of laughter. “I never thought I’d say this again either, but Dean, go to your room!”

 

Cas grinned into Dean’s neck as all three of the Winchesters let out proper laughs. He pressed a kiss into the skin he could reach, and waited for the laughter to die down.

 

“Hey, Cas?”

 

“Yes, Dean?” Castiel lifted himself off of Dean and reached out a hand to pull him up. On standing, Dean immediately wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him in to a tight hug, hands once again underneath his shirt and stroking the skin of his back. This time, Cas did the same.

 

“We’re going to talk about all of it, ok?”

 

This time, he knew exactly what Dean meant. “Ok, Dean.”

 

“I mean it, Cas,” Dean’s head came down to bury into his neck. “I’m fucking terrible at talking about feelings, you know that, but we need to talk about yours. You need to make me understand how you felt, and you need to let me make it up to you.”

 

“There’s nothing-” he broke off when Dean’s arms squeezed tighter.

 

“I mean it, Cas. I’m going to make it all up to you.”

 

“Ok,” Castiel turned and kissed his temple. “I love you.”

 

“Love you too,” Dean pulled away and smiled at him. “Come on. Let’s go and lie down for this. My back’s killing me from sleeping in the car.”

 

“The car?” Cas let Dean pull him by the hand towards the bedrooms.

 

“Yeah. I drove till I nearly fell asleep at the wheel, then pulled over to catch some zeds before driving home again.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Dean stopped and turned to look at Castiel, placing his hands on his shoulders until the angel looked at him. “Hey. I know that you heard what Sam said, and I’m sorry if you thought I was spending the night with someone else. But I need you to know, I haven’t touched anyone since before I knew how I felt about you, ok? Couldn’t have, even if I wanted to.”

“Ok,” Cas smiled at him. “Can we go to bed now?”

 

“To talk?”

 

“Hmmm. Maybe later. We’ve got another problem to sort out first, Dean.”

 

“What?” Cas tried not to smile at the panicked look on the other man’s face.

 

“Too many clothes, remember?”

 

Dean barked out a laugh. “You little shit, Cas!”

 

Castiel just grinned and walked away, laughing when Dean caught up to him and wrapped his arms around him from behind, making the two of them walk awkwardly together until they reached the door to Dean’s room. As they slipped inside the room it was Cas who closed it behind them, Cas who pushed Dean against the door, and Cas who initiated the kiss. He knew Dean would be happy to wait if he wanted to talk, but he had talked more in the last day than he had in months. He wanted to be lying happily in Dean’s arms before he went through it again. He wanted to be convinced that this was true.

 

As Dean stripped the t-shirt from his own body before pushing Cas’ borrowed one up and over his head, as he brought their bodies together and kissed his way down Cas’ neck, whispering his love as he went, as he backed Cas slowly up to bed before pushing the angel down onto it, then the angel finally started to believe.

 

He could be loved, and he was loved. And he wasn’t going anywhere.

 


End file.
